Before my spirit dies

I have decided to quit blogging here for a while. No surprise here, since I haven't blogged in more than a month. Why quit? Why now? The long and short of it is that I am struggling to block my looming feeling of disillusionment. I work in Ateneo, I study in Ateneo (for my masters degree, which I love, love, love a lot!), and can feel God's hands working in me in this place. Except that no institution is perfect. The system is not perfect, just as the Church is not perfect. The people around me are not perfect, just as I am not perfect. But the way God brought me back here in 2006, three years after my college graduation and a little over a month after that traumatic experience in my second job, was perfect. It revived my spirit. And I intend to keep that wonderful memory in me. I must therefore take a step back to figure everything out before I get completely disillusioned by...things.

One big bonfire! (and other musings)

Okay, the bonfire is on Tuesday, September 30, 2008.

If you're Catholic, go to the Church of the Gesu for the mass at 6:00 p.m.

Come 7:00 p.m., all hell breaks lose with (what else!) the actual bonfire.

I describe it as "hell" because that's my first experience of a bonfire. When the Ateneo football team won its historic three-peat years ago, Ateneo also had a bonfire. I was in charge of videotaping the thing. Because I wanted to get a nice shot, I decided to move closer. Saktong-sakto, nagliyab ang lahat ng kahoy paglapit ko. Sobrang init, parang impyerno!

Yun lang. =)

***

Because the Basic Chinese 3 class (Chinese characters) at the Confucius Institute got dissolved, the next best thing to take is Practical Spoken Chinese 4. The lessons are still in pinyin, which means I'm still conveniently classified as illiterate in Chinese. No read, no write, just speak. Urgh.

***

I've been trying to remember what I really dreamed of doing in high school. I remember wanting to travel a la Lonely Planet and to write these adventures down in a magazine article. I also wanted my own column in a newspaper a la Karen Kunawicz.

Now I'm in my late 20s, America is in an economic recession, and magazines are folding up. People blog, and some blog for a living. I write content for the university website and occasionally, when I'm free to freelance, I review resorts and restaurants for a travel magazine. I am working towards a Masters degree, learning Chinese, and thinking of where to go and what to do next. I am thinking of the next step. I am looking for a stepping stone. But I haven't left every stone unturned yet. I am praying for strength.

Oooh, bonfire

Ateneo won! We're UAAP Champions once more! Go, go, go! To the bonfire, that is!

Class dissolved!!!

My Basic Chinese 3 class got dissolved today. I got a call from the Confucius Institute. It turns out there were only two (two!) people who enrolled: me and my friend Hidei.

Urgh! I know Basic Chinese 3 is hard because it involves writing and remembering actual Chinese characters, versus Basic Chinese 1 and 2 which taught us speaking and listening skills. But don't people want to learn how to READ and WRITE? Isn't that the whole point of learning a foreign language? Speaking, listening, conversing, reading, writing.

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! *tears her hair out*

When insecurities kick in

You know, sometimes I think I'll never be good enough. I'm not one of those Promil kids who are just born with it (whatever "it" is, be "it" a gift for numbers, letters, sounds, movement, etc). It's just sheer hard work and determination for me.

I'll be a year older in a few days, ever-nearing the big 3-0. And I haven't accomplished much, really. I'm basically still in a rank and file position, the same one I've held for three years. And I don't think that's going to change any time soon. Time moves every so slowly in the academe. I don't feel like I'm being groomed for anything bigger.

And to make matters worse, I now wear ugly office uniforms that have branded me as staff FOREVER. I feel stuck, going nowhere fast. I actually feel ashamed to go out wearing those uniforms for the things they symbolize: mediocrity, complacency, tastelessness, uncritical thinking, cowardice. Those things are not part of the image I want to project as a media practitioner and creative person. I feel that those uniforms have stripped me off my pride as a creative writer.

At home, I feel small compared to my little brother, who earns quadruple of what I make, and who just bought a house of his own. When my mother talks about my cousins, their promotions and business trips, I feel like she's comparing me to them and silently asking me why I can't be the same as them. And when I see my former classmates' Friendster and Facebook accounts, I feel even smaller. I used to be the achiever in school, and they were the average ones. Who knew they'd be managers abroad, flight attendants who travel and see the world, TV stars, magazine editors.

I don't know if anyone out there understands how I feel. All I know is that I take a long hard look at myself when I go to the office restroom and see someone on the brink of failure. Once or twice, I cried.

I don't want to end up like the others, who languish in their comfort zone. I still want to reach for my dreams.

So that's what the MA and the Chinese language classes are for. I want to keep pushing myself to be the best that I can be, even if no one else believes.

So these are my prayers this weekend:

*I lift it all up to you, Lord.*

*St. Ignatius, teach me your ways and lead me to Jesus.*

*Help me see things in a different light, Lord. Refresh my sight, my memory. Let my ears listen. I want to hear what you're telling me.*

Basic Chinese 3

Last Thursday, I enrolled for my Basic Chinese 3 class at the Confucius Institute. I'm excited to learn to read and write more Chinese characters.

While withdrawing money from the ATM inside the campus, I felt a bit sad to part with my money (well, some of my money, anyway). Withdrawing money meant dipping into the fund I saved up for my second semester of graduate studies.

But while walking to the Chinese Studies office in Leong Hall, I got excited again when I saw all those DVDs and books and magazines in pure Chinese! I want to enjoy all those media in their pure form. And before I enjoy them, I must first understand them, right?

Besides, I am privileged to get a 50% tuition discount both in my M.A. and my Chinese language class since I'm an employee, anyway. Therefore, there's absolutely nothing to feel sad about. I should even be thankful. So thanks be to God and thanks be to Ateneo!

***

The Ateneo also offers Korean language classes now. Details here. Tuition discount for employees is not as big as in my Chinese language class, though. Good thing I can learn Korean from my officemate...for free!

Missing In Action (MIA)

I've been MIA for weeks now, and it's because of work requirements and grad school papers. I've been juggling both. Good moods, bad moods, blah moods, I've been through it all.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry but it seems all my efforts are so-so. To illustrate:

In my Monday class, I got an "A-" for my reflection paper. I don't have my grade yet for my report but I'm pretty sure it's a "B". I kinda flubbed. I blame stage fright. This means I have to participate more in class discussions and to write a kick-ass research paper (my final paper). They're my only hope of getting an "A." Or a "B+" at least.

In my Thursday class, meanwhile, I got an "A" for my critical research paper. I expected a lower grade since I thought my teacher would think my topic is too girly--online shopping. But I got the shock of my life today when I saw "A" instead of the "B" I was expecting. But that's not a reason to rejoice. In my midterm exam, which was an oral exam, I got a "B." I flubbed...again. My hope is to get an "A" for my next critical research paper (due on September 25!) and to get another "A" in my group research paper.

Are you noticing a pattern yet? I get "A's" in writing requirements, while I get "B's" in my oral requirements. Urgh. I need all "A's" for future scholarships! I can feel the pressure.

I also noticed that when my teachers write comments on my papers, they never fail to point out my writing style. They seem to like it. I guess this was what my interviewer meant (while I was being interviewed for grad school acceptance) when he said writing papers will be a piece of cake for me, and that I should switch to the thesis option of my MA instead of the non-thesis option I'm in. He thinks I'd make a good thesis. Oh well. I can only make a good thesis IF I'll be given a BREAK from OFFICE WORK.

***

I wish I'd get the same rave reviews about my writing at work. Wala lang. Wishful thinking from a writing machine.