One big bonfire! (and other musings)

Okay, the bonfire is on Tuesday, September 30, 2008.

If you're Catholic, go to the Church of the Gesu for the mass at 6:00 p.m.

Come 7:00 p.m., all hell breaks lose with (what else!) the actual bonfire.

I describe it as "hell" because that's my first experience of a bonfire. When the Ateneo football team won its historic three-peat years ago, Ateneo also had a bonfire. I was in charge of videotaping the thing. Because I wanted to get a nice shot, I decided to move closer. Saktong-sakto, nagliyab ang lahat ng kahoy paglapit ko. Sobrang init, parang impyerno!

Yun lang. =)

***

Because the Basic Chinese 3 class (Chinese characters) at the Confucius Institute got dissolved, the next best thing to take is Practical Spoken Chinese 4. The lessons are still in pinyin, which means I'm still conveniently classified as illiterate in Chinese. No read, no write, just speak. Urgh.

***

I've been trying to remember what I really dreamed of doing in high school. I remember wanting to travel a la Lonely Planet and to write these adventures down in a magazine article. I also wanted my own column in a newspaper a la Karen Kunawicz.

Now I'm in my late 20s, America is in an economic recession, and magazines are folding up. People blog, and some blog for a living. I write content for the university website and occasionally, when I'm free to freelance, I review resorts and restaurants for a travel magazine. I am working towards a Masters degree, learning Chinese, and thinking of where to go and what to do next. I am thinking of the next step. I am looking for a stepping stone. But I haven't left every stone unturned yet. I am praying for strength.

When insecurities kick in

You know, sometimes I think I'll never be good enough. I'm not one of those Promil kids who are just born with it (whatever "it" is, be "it" a gift for numbers, letters, sounds, movement, etc). It's just sheer hard work and determination for me.

I'll be a year older in a few days, ever-nearing the big 3-0. And I haven't accomplished much, really. I'm basically still in a rank and file position, the same one I've held for three years. And I don't think that's going to change any time soon. Time moves every so slowly in the academe. I don't feel like I'm being groomed for anything bigger.

And to make matters worse, I now wear ugly office uniforms that have branded me as staff FOREVER. I feel stuck, going nowhere fast. I actually feel ashamed to go out wearing those uniforms for the things they symbolize: mediocrity, complacency, tastelessness, uncritical thinking, cowardice. Those things are not part of the image I want to project as a media practitioner and creative person. I feel that those uniforms have stripped me off my pride as a creative writer.

At home, I feel small compared to my little brother, who earns quadruple of what I make, and who just bought a house of his own. When my mother talks about my cousins, their promotions and business trips, I feel like she's comparing me to them and silently asking me why I can't be the same as them. And when I see my former classmates' Friendster and Facebook accounts, I feel even smaller. I used to be the achiever in school, and they were the average ones. Who knew they'd be managers abroad, flight attendants who travel and see the world, TV stars, magazine editors.

I don't know if anyone out there understands how I feel. All I know is that I take a long hard look at myself when I go to the office restroom and see someone on the brink of failure. Once or twice, I cried.

I don't want to end up like the others, who languish in their comfort zone. I still want to reach for my dreams.

So that's what the MA and the Chinese language classes are for. I want to keep pushing myself to be the best that I can be, even if no one else believes.

So these are my prayers this weekend:

*I lift it all up to you, Lord.*

*St. Ignatius, teach me your ways and lead me to Jesus.*

*Help me see things in a different light, Lord. Refresh my sight, my memory. Let my ears listen. I want to hear what you're telling me.*

Research and scholarship

I got a clue on what my calling could be last Thursday, while waiting for my brother to fetch me. Because class got dismissed 15 minutes early and I had nothing better to do, I checked the bulletin boards around Leong Hall and realized what exciting intellectual, artistic, and cultural lives the people of the Sociology and Anthropology Department leads.

The entire faculty have particular fields of interest. It seems like they devote their lives to research, to finding what makes their passions flow. Most of the people in the pics are smiling, so it proves how happy they are in their work.

Being a researcher is not something I considered before. But as I think about, it seems like a good fit for me.

For one, I am a thinker. My first ever boss, back when I worked in a magazine, pointed this out. I had good ideas, and my creativity showed, but felt short on implementation. I would rather think and dream, rather than get my hands dirty. My former boss also said I tend to be a happy-go-lucky person like him.

This brings me to reason number 2: I love being out and about. Sure, I am the silent type. I may be quiet on the outside but I have a lot of things brewing inside. The things brewing inside me force me to think. And for me to think, I need silence and lots of space. Open space. That's why I love walking around Ateneo when I have writer's block or when I need to conceptualize something in my head.

I love to travel and explore different places and cultures. I love museums and history. I love going through piles of books, audiotapes and what-not for the sheer thrill of discovery. I love technology and all the snazzy promises it holds for the future. I love seeking the how's and why's of things. I love learning about everything around me.

Three, after the answers have been found, I'd love to write about my experiences and findings in the most eloquent, passionate and engaging way that I can. I'd love to write about it both in scholarly and literary forms. I can do it.

Four, embracing my strength as a thinker is the best way to live.

So there. That’s another path to consider. Hello, world.