Before my spirit dies

I have decided to quit blogging here for a while. No surprise here, since I haven't blogged in more than a month. Why quit? Why now? The long and short of it is that I am struggling to block my looming feeling of disillusionment. I work in Ateneo, I study in Ateneo (for my masters degree, which I love, love, love a lot!), and can feel God's hands working in me in this place. Except that no institution is perfect. The system is not perfect, just as the Church is not perfect. The people around me are not perfect, just as I am not perfect. But the way God brought me back here in 2006, three years after my college graduation and a little over a month after that traumatic experience in my second job, was perfect. It revived my spirit. And I intend to keep that wonderful memory in me. I must therefore take a step back to figure everything out before I get completely disillusioned by...things.

One big bonfire! (and other musings)

Okay, the bonfire is on Tuesday, September 30, 2008.

If you're Catholic, go to the Church of the Gesu for the mass at 6:00 p.m.

Come 7:00 p.m., all hell breaks lose with (what else!) the actual bonfire.

I describe it as "hell" because that's my first experience of a bonfire. When the Ateneo football team won its historic three-peat years ago, Ateneo also had a bonfire. I was in charge of videotaping the thing. Because I wanted to get a nice shot, I decided to move closer. Saktong-sakto, nagliyab ang lahat ng kahoy paglapit ko. Sobrang init, parang impyerno!

Yun lang. =)

***

Because the Basic Chinese 3 class (Chinese characters) at the Confucius Institute got dissolved, the next best thing to take is Practical Spoken Chinese 4. The lessons are still in pinyin, which means I'm still conveniently classified as illiterate in Chinese. No read, no write, just speak. Urgh.

***

I've been trying to remember what I really dreamed of doing in high school. I remember wanting to travel a la Lonely Planet and to write these adventures down in a magazine article. I also wanted my own column in a newspaper a la Karen Kunawicz.

Now I'm in my late 20s, America is in an economic recession, and magazines are folding up. People blog, and some blog for a living. I write content for the university website and occasionally, when I'm free to freelance, I review resorts and restaurants for a travel magazine. I am working towards a Masters degree, learning Chinese, and thinking of where to go and what to do next. I am thinking of the next step. I am looking for a stepping stone. But I haven't left every stone unturned yet. I am praying for strength.

Oooh, bonfire

Ateneo won! We're UAAP Champions once more! Go, go, go! To the bonfire, that is!

Class dissolved!!!

My Basic Chinese 3 class got dissolved today. I got a call from the Confucius Institute. It turns out there were only two (two!) people who enrolled: me and my friend Hidei.

Urgh! I know Basic Chinese 3 is hard because it involves writing and remembering actual Chinese characters, versus Basic Chinese 1 and 2 which taught us speaking and listening skills. But don't people want to learn how to READ and WRITE? Isn't that the whole point of learning a foreign language? Speaking, listening, conversing, reading, writing.

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! *tears her hair out*

When insecurities kick in

You know, sometimes I think I'll never be good enough. I'm not one of those Promil kids who are just born with it (whatever "it" is, be "it" a gift for numbers, letters, sounds, movement, etc). It's just sheer hard work and determination for me.

I'll be a year older in a few days, ever-nearing the big 3-0. And I haven't accomplished much, really. I'm basically still in a rank and file position, the same one I've held for three years. And I don't think that's going to change any time soon. Time moves every so slowly in the academe. I don't feel like I'm being groomed for anything bigger.

And to make matters worse, I now wear ugly office uniforms that have branded me as staff FOREVER. I feel stuck, going nowhere fast. I actually feel ashamed to go out wearing those uniforms for the things they symbolize: mediocrity, complacency, tastelessness, uncritical thinking, cowardice. Those things are not part of the image I want to project as a media practitioner and creative person. I feel that those uniforms have stripped me off my pride as a creative writer.

At home, I feel small compared to my little brother, who earns quadruple of what I make, and who just bought a house of his own. When my mother talks about my cousins, their promotions and business trips, I feel like she's comparing me to them and silently asking me why I can't be the same as them. And when I see my former classmates' Friendster and Facebook accounts, I feel even smaller. I used to be the achiever in school, and they were the average ones. Who knew they'd be managers abroad, flight attendants who travel and see the world, TV stars, magazine editors.

I don't know if anyone out there understands how I feel. All I know is that I take a long hard look at myself when I go to the office restroom and see someone on the brink of failure. Once or twice, I cried.

I don't want to end up like the others, who languish in their comfort zone. I still want to reach for my dreams.

So that's what the MA and the Chinese language classes are for. I want to keep pushing myself to be the best that I can be, even if no one else believes.

So these are my prayers this weekend:

*I lift it all up to you, Lord.*

*St. Ignatius, teach me your ways and lead me to Jesus.*

*Help me see things in a different light, Lord. Refresh my sight, my memory. Let my ears listen. I want to hear what you're telling me.*

Basic Chinese 3

Last Thursday, I enrolled for my Basic Chinese 3 class at the Confucius Institute. I'm excited to learn to read and write more Chinese characters.

While withdrawing money from the ATM inside the campus, I felt a bit sad to part with my money (well, some of my money, anyway). Withdrawing money meant dipping into the fund I saved up for my second semester of graduate studies.

But while walking to the Chinese Studies office in Leong Hall, I got excited again when I saw all those DVDs and books and magazines in pure Chinese! I want to enjoy all those media in their pure form. And before I enjoy them, I must first understand them, right?

Besides, I am privileged to get a 50% tuition discount both in my M.A. and my Chinese language class since I'm an employee, anyway. Therefore, there's absolutely nothing to feel sad about. I should even be thankful. So thanks be to God and thanks be to Ateneo!

***

The Ateneo also offers Korean language classes now. Details here. Tuition discount for employees is not as big as in my Chinese language class, though. Good thing I can learn Korean from my officemate...for free!

Missing In Action (MIA)

I've been MIA for weeks now, and it's because of work requirements and grad school papers. I've been juggling both. Good moods, bad moods, blah moods, I've been through it all.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry but it seems all my efforts are so-so. To illustrate:

In my Monday class, I got an "A-" for my reflection paper. I don't have my grade yet for my report but I'm pretty sure it's a "B". I kinda flubbed. I blame stage fright. This means I have to participate more in class discussions and to write a kick-ass research paper (my final paper). They're my only hope of getting an "A." Or a "B+" at least.

In my Thursday class, meanwhile, I got an "A" for my critical research paper. I expected a lower grade since I thought my teacher would think my topic is too girly--online shopping. But I got the shock of my life today when I saw "A" instead of the "B" I was expecting. But that's not a reason to rejoice. In my midterm exam, which was an oral exam, I got a "B." I flubbed...again. My hope is to get an "A" for my next critical research paper (due on September 25!) and to get another "A" in my group research paper.

Are you noticing a pattern yet? I get "A's" in writing requirements, while I get "B's" in my oral requirements. Urgh. I need all "A's" for future scholarships! I can feel the pressure.

I also noticed that when my teachers write comments on my papers, they never fail to point out my writing style. They seem to like it. I guess this was what my interviewer meant (while I was being interviewed for grad school acceptance) when he said writing papers will be a piece of cake for me, and that I should switch to the thesis option of my MA instead of the non-thesis option I'm in. He thinks I'd make a good thesis. Oh well. I can only make a good thesis IF I'll be given a BREAK from OFFICE WORK.

***

I wish I'd get the same rave reviews about my writing at work. Wala lang. Wishful thinking from a writing machine.

Stage fright

I'm not good at public speaking. I almost failed my Speech class in High School. I got a B, I think.

I have a presentation in grad school today and it terrifies me. I have my PP in my laptop, my notes are good, but my speech power and charm are nil.

Last day of Basic Chinese 2 class

August 2 was the last day of Basic Chinese 2 class. The week before, we had our final exam. Guess what my score was?

(Deep intake of breath.)

I got 90/ 100. Syempre masama ang loob ko (Of course I have hurt feelings). I studied (as in REALLY studied) so I expected to get my usual score, which ranges from 98-100.

And when my teacher handed my paper to me, he seemed a bit surprised too. He said I should have taken great care to mark my tones in the proper vowels. If I did, I would have gotten a higher score. Ayun (So there).

But of course, 90 is way better than the 70-80 range most people got. Highest was 98. Next was 94. And I came in third. Not bad, I know. But still.

Dice game!

After my final exam at Basic Chinese 2, my teacher taught us how to play the dice game. I thought it will be a difficult game. But it was easy enough. A dice game is a game of chance. Ergo, you just have to give all the dices a good shake in your hands, then throw them all in the bowl. If you get a certain number of dices to show up, then you get to pick a prize from the designated prize groups. There were four groups all in all, ranging from the lowest-priced prizes to the highest-priced ones. I didn’t win the big prizes. Just the small ones. I brought home two packs of cookies, one bag of fish crackers and a bottle of iced tea. Prizes were generously provided by my classmate Richard, who is also the “class valedictorian.”

Last day of Basic 2 classes on Saturday. I am not looking forward to it since I would very much like to continue learning. I am finding myself too ravenous about languages. My enthusiasm is so thick, I could tear it with my teeth.

First day of Korean class

First day of Korean language class with my officemates. Teacher is Sarah, the new girl at work.

Starting to mix up Japanese, Chinese and Korean. Have final exams for Chinese class tomorrow...a formal Chinese class at the Confucius Institute.

Teacher is a bit strict and serious, but begins to soften up when she remembers we're her new officemates. Must emphasize that it is extremely nice of her to teach us Korean for free. She teaches Korean twice a week as some sort of a part-time job.

Another bright note: I realized I already know some Japanese and Chinese. Now I'm throwing in some Korean, too. Soon, I will/might master East Asian languages. Very good for my plan of pursuing Asian Studies after Communication. You know, for MORE postgraduate studies.

Boss is in China right now, promoting Jesuit education. I wonder if she'll let me tag along in the future as some sort of translator. Dreaming.

No Wawi =(

T. and I went to the Ateneo Art Gallery yesterday afternoon to attend Artspeak. Artist Wawi Navarroza was supposed to speak, but we found out that Wawi can’t come because of a flat-tire in Pateros. So the talk was cancelled. Sadness. I so looked forward to her talk because among the three winners of last year’s Ateneo Art Awards, her collection was the most imaginative, IMHO.

On a brighter note, her talk is rescheduled on Wednesday next week, July 23. She’ll be sharing the limelight with MM Yu and Lyle Buencamino.

P.S. I can tell that so many people share the same sentiment. Aside from me and T., a lot of other people also went to the Gallery yesterday just for that talk. In a strange way, the artistic part of me reveled in our collective enthusiasm.

Grad School Student Council

Someone's too enthusiastic about grad school. And it's me.

During the orientation seminar this morning, someone from the Interim Graduate School Student Council spoke about services and plans for this school year. I got excited.

Not that I was a student leader in my not-so-distant college life. I didn't even bother voting. Instead, I channeled my energy into finding books on feminism and Plath at the library. But all that's changing.

Maybe it's because it was only after realizing the hard work and life-long learning that a thriving career entails that I understood the value of education. I need knowledge and wisdom to navigate life. Work, meanwhile, is the proving ground of everything I've learned. So at the end of the day, everything balances out. And that's what I really need.

I have no plans of running for president or anything of that sort. However, I want to help. I was thinking that if there's a committee that matches my qualifications, then I'll be there. I have an idea which area I'll volunteer in. I must email the council soon.

As for my work, I feel the need to get out there. I mean, out into the world. I can lead myself. I can pretty much steer myself to work conscientiously. And when I need to work with others, I'd like to think that I can work with a team (There are occasional misunderstandings caused by varying levels of intelligence. But that's normal, because not everyone can grasp concepts quickly like me...Ok, I kid. Or maybe not. Typical Atenean. Atenean with the EQ of a 12-year old, that is).

The question now, therefore, is whether I have the courage to get out of my comfort zone and (gasp!) actually face people other than my officemates. You know, to get out there and apply all the knowledge and skills I've managed to acquire.

Someone obviously needs practice. Maybe holing up in the library wasn't such a good idea?

Research and scholarship

I got a clue on what my calling could be last Thursday, while waiting for my brother to fetch me. Because class got dismissed 15 minutes early and I had nothing better to do, I checked the bulletin boards around Leong Hall and realized what exciting intellectual, artistic, and cultural lives the people of the Sociology and Anthropology Department leads.

The entire faculty have particular fields of interest. It seems like they devote their lives to research, to finding what makes their passions flow. Most of the people in the pics are smiling, so it proves how happy they are in their work.

Being a researcher is not something I considered before. But as I think about, it seems like a good fit for me.

For one, I am a thinker. My first ever boss, back when I worked in a magazine, pointed this out. I had good ideas, and my creativity showed, but felt short on implementation. I would rather think and dream, rather than get my hands dirty. My former boss also said I tend to be a happy-go-lucky person like him.

This brings me to reason number 2: I love being out and about. Sure, I am the silent type. I may be quiet on the outside but I have a lot of things brewing inside. The things brewing inside me force me to think. And for me to think, I need silence and lots of space. Open space. That's why I love walking around Ateneo when I have writer's block or when I need to conceptualize something in my head.

I love to travel and explore different places and cultures. I love museums and history. I love going through piles of books, audiotapes and what-not for the sheer thrill of discovery. I love technology and all the snazzy promises it holds for the future. I love seeking the how's and why's of things. I love learning about everything around me.

Three, after the answers have been found, I'd love to write about my experiences and findings in the most eloquent, passionate and engaging way that I can. I'd love to write about it both in scholarly and literary forms. I can do it.

Four, embracing my strength as a thinker is the best way to live.

So there. That’s another path to consider. Hello, world.

To go or not to go to school...

In case there's a typhoon and you're not sure if classes are suspended, you can do one of two things:

1) Call the Ateneo trunkline at 4266001

2) Visit the Ateneo website for announcements.

From 100 to 99

A quiz almost every week. That's the standard my Chinese language teacher has set to ensure that we finish the course equipped with the skills to speak conversational Mandarin. The first time, I got a perfect score, 100/100. I had all the time in the world to study since grad school had not started yet. The second time, I got a 99/100. It was the time I was (well, still am) juggling time between studying for my MA and practicing my Mandarin. I will have a test again next week, and I really hope my test score won't follow a steady downward trend.

On a brighter note, there was a scene in "My Girl" last Friday where Jasmine (played by cutie pie Kim Chiu) went back to her old job as tour guide, after being fired by Julian (played by the gorgeous Gerald Anderson--but you know that already), and guess what--she was tour guide to a bus full of Chinese tourists! I was passively watching when Jasmine/Kim opened her mouth to speak the tourists' native language, and lo and behold, I understood most of it! Isn't that amazing? I can now understand some simple Mandarin! Congratulate me.

Because I prepared for class the night before

I missed an episode of "My Girl," you know, that Koreanovela turned Kim Chiu- and Gerald Anderson-starrer. I was supposed to stop reading the assigned materials for tomorrow's class at about 9-ish so that I could watch my guilty pleasure, but no, I lost track of time. I (shocker!) actually enjoyed the reading materials. Note that I studied for the supposedly boring class. But I admit that I was wrong. The class rocks!

When it rains in Ateneo…

1. Students have an excuse for coming to class late.

2. Umbrella sales at the A-Shop (located at Xavier Hall, near the ATM) soar.

3. Corollary to number 2, people walking around campus hold identical blue umbrellas with the Ateneo logo prominently displayed.

4. There’s a traffic jam at Katipunan from about 4:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. (approximately).

5. Some parts of Katipunan get flooded.

6. It’s an opportunity for people to show off their jackets.

7. It’s a great time to buy A-Shop’s sporty jackets…with the obligatory Ateneo logo, of course.

8. You crave for goto (or anything hot) either at AMPC or Blue and Gold.

9. Tricycle drivers refuse to take in passengers, citing traffic as an excuse.

10. If you’re a student and it rains heavily, you hope classes will get suspended. If you’re an employee and it rains heavily, you hope you’ll be dismissed early (usually at 3:00 p.m.)

*You're free to add to the list

Library guard is now fashion police, too

I tried to enter the library today to borrow a book I need for my class, but was promptly (but politely) turned away by the guard on account of my slipper-shod feet. Grrr. Elitista, elitista! (Elitist, elitist!)

Joke. Sort of.

First day of MA classes tomorrow

First day of my MA classes tomorrow. Of the two subjects I signed up for, the class tomorrow is the boring one. I figured taking one boring class and one exciting class every semester will balance things out and keep me sane.

However, I can't name the boring subject in my blog for fear of being found out. And to be fair, I won't name my exciting class either.

Half of me feels excited, while the other half feels anxious. My goal is to get the best grades possible. A very big part of me believes that this will be my ticket to my dreams, you know, to how I believe my life should be lived, according to God's terms.

A friend, who's studying to become a Jesuit, once said that like him, the Ateneo may be my own "novitiate." This might be the perfect place to realize my dreams. And maybe he's right. I'm learning a lot here: photography, Photoshop, Japanese, Chinese, Communication, film-making, video editing, respect, humility, conscientiousness, excellence, love.

My Basic Chinese 2 class, meanwhile, is giving me a headache. But in a good way. I am up to the challenge. Years from now, it MIGHT be THE lingua franca. And years from now, I will be thankful for the foresight that God's spirit has given me.