When insecurities kick in

You know, sometimes I think I'll never be good enough. I'm not one of those Promil kids who are just born with it (whatever "it" is, be "it" a gift for numbers, letters, sounds, movement, etc). It's just sheer hard work and determination for me.

I'll be a year older in a few days, ever-nearing the big 3-0. And I haven't accomplished much, really. I'm basically still in a rank and file position, the same one I've held for three years. And I don't think that's going to change any time soon. Time moves every so slowly in the academe. I don't feel like I'm being groomed for anything bigger.

And to make matters worse, I now wear ugly office uniforms that have branded me as staff FOREVER. I feel stuck, going nowhere fast. I actually feel ashamed to go out wearing those uniforms for the things they symbolize: mediocrity, complacency, tastelessness, uncritical thinking, cowardice. Those things are not part of the image I want to project as a media practitioner and creative person. I feel that those uniforms have stripped me off my pride as a creative writer.

At home, I feel small compared to my little brother, who earns quadruple of what I make, and who just bought a house of his own. When my mother talks about my cousins, their promotions and business trips, I feel like she's comparing me to them and silently asking me why I can't be the same as them. And when I see my former classmates' Friendster and Facebook accounts, I feel even smaller. I used to be the achiever in school, and they were the average ones. Who knew they'd be managers abroad, flight attendants who travel and see the world, TV stars, magazine editors.

I don't know if anyone out there understands how I feel. All I know is that I take a long hard look at myself when I go to the office restroom and see someone on the brink of failure. Once or twice, I cried.

I don't want to end up like the others, who languish in their comfort zone. I still want to reach for my dreams.

So that's what the MA and the Chinese language classes are for. I want to keep pushing myself to be the best that I can be, even if no one else believes.

So these are my prayers this weekend:

*I lift it all up to you, Lord.*

*St. Ignatius, teach me your ways and lead me to Jesus.*

*Help me see things in a different light, Lord. Refresh my sight, my memory. Let my ears listen. I want to hear what you're telling me.*